Hysterwhat? Hysterwho?

My uterusJust 4 days after my Total Abdominal Hysterectomy with Bilateral Salpingo Oophorectomy,  I am unable to climb into my king sized bed, so I opted to sleep on my sofa. I tried laying on each side as well as my back, but found no comfort in neither. Sitting up, with my feet propped, neck in a u-shaped pillow, with a pillow behind my back as well as on my abdomen was the most relaxed fill in the last couple of days.

In and out of sleep, while watching “Seven Seconds” on Netflix. A great must see, if I must say. I now have many thoughts running through my mind. Of course, I always reflect back on my incident with the police when watching shows of that nature. Anywho, I started thinking about my 7 hour deposition with the lawyers. Yes, seven long hours with no lunch but all water.

During the questioning, one of the attorneys asked me a question that had nothing to do with the case. I thought to myself like, why the hell is he asking me this dumb ass question? What the f@#$ does MY GYNE health has to do with the police beating my ass? Well, the smart person in me realized that this dude was being a sarcastic patronizing asshole. My smarts also led me to believe that those attorneys were trying to get a rise out of me by holding me for seven hours to the tee and asking questions that was irrelevant to my case.

What they didn’t know is that NO WOMEN OF COLOR will ever feel like they are less than a women when they have a hysterectomy like some women of other skin tones. WOMEN OF COLOR look at it as getting rid of CANCER or their chances of getting it. So, while they thought they were aggravating me, they weren’t. Because my mind was bigger than that! We all know why fibroids are prevalent amongst WOMEN OF COLOR.

Ha, When they get through talking. They better ask because… Ain’t No Shame In The Game!



My proverbial glass

As vocal and as honest as I am, my proverbial glass is viewed as half empty. Although my vocabulary is blunt and straight to the point, my intentions are not to be perceived as malicious negativity. My heart is pure and I do all that I do for people through it. Those who know that of me, observe my proverbial cup as half full. I can honestly say that I exude a positive mind set.

As I matured over the years, I’ve developed into a role of leadership. I believe that I can encourage those who are weary of their health, to look at life from a different point of view. That no matter what is happening in their world, no matter the situation, that their glass can always be refilled and eventually runneth over.

During your setback, you will have all type of people around you with half filled glass. However, during your comeback, you will lose those very people. Your mindset will become to great to entertain mischief. You will then be in peace with yourself and out of that emerges an optimistic new you.

Whatever it takes to bring you out of that common level…school, church, time with self, counseling, speaking with friends, family, do it!

In time you will transform into the being that you should be.


Googled my Name

As usual, I was online strolling the web. I then googled my name and came upon namemeaningsdictionary.com. I typed in my name and this is what I found.

What does the name Patasa mean?

Is Patasa a girl or a boy name and what is the origin of Patasa?

Patasa is Girl/Female gender and its origin is Arabic, Muslim, Pashtun

Patasa means: Sort of Candy

The Horoscope and Astrology meaning of Patasa.

Patasa means:

With a Life Path 4, my numbers are (4, 13/4, 22/4, 31/4). The number four derives its meaning from creation. It is a lucky number and offers stability, wholeness, order justice, building a strong foundation, honesty, integrity, loyalty, conscientiousness. In Hebrew four represents measuring, beneficence, and intelligence. In Hindu four is totality and perfection. To the Pythagorean, four is perfection and justice negatively. Number 4 relates to conviction, inability to adapt and laziness.

Thirteen is neither a lucky nor an unlucky number. It signifies purity and progress to a higher level of existence. The number 13 from a biblical point of view is said to be a great blessing and promise. To the US, 13 stripes represent the original 13 colonies that rebelled against British rule. Biologically, thirteen represents the age of male or female maturity.

Twenty-two which is a number of power and accomplishment is considered the master builder, with divine imagination and great charisma. It has the ability to realize very giant or imaginable projects because of its capacity of precision and balance. Number twenty-two persons are idealistic, creative and pragmatic. Some of their negative attributes include: anxiety, nervousness and they are immovable, stubborn and can let others down. The biblical meaning of twenty-two symbolizes disorder and chaos and represents disorganization.

The number thirty-one represents practical, yet creative, energy. Thirty-one resonates with creative pragmatism. Although an oxymoron, it’s also a description of the energies the number 31 represents. The practical aspect of 31 determines the steps to reach goals according to what has worked before. The creative aspect of 31 brings creativity into the process. The result generally is a better way of doing things, of accomplishing certain end points or goals. The numerology essence of the number 31 has a sense of worthiness. It knows itself as sufficient to do what needs to be done. Reaching goals, getting somewhere, attainment by a step-by-step process is always in 31’s focus. Accomplishing a secure foundation for the future is the strongest focus of all, an even more secure foundation.

Meaning of Patasa by its letters

Patasa name means:

P: Meaning of P in the name Patasa means: P has a heavy top standing on just a point to show its strength. It means strong, the ability to perceive weakness and opportunities easily and clear-sightedness. By standing on its own, it shows self-centeredness, a thriving attitude and rigorousness. P also shows disconnection, strong will to go even alone and impartiality.

A: Meaning of A in the name Patasa means: The letter A has two bars connected at a pointed edge and a cross-bar holding them together. From an open end to a pointed edge signifies that all energies are trained to a point to achieve the most singularly important goal. The cross-bar shows caution. Failure is avoided by stringing all required resources together. An also looks like a Pyramid with the peak as the apex of the Pyramid. Pyramids are iconic. A therefore symbolizes prominence and a desire to be recognized for ones achievements. The cross bar also represents a rung on a ladder. To get to the top, one has to first step on the rung. It also means originality, a strong will power and an enterprising ability. The upper-case version consists of the two slanting sides of a triangle, crossed in the middle by a horizontal bar. It shows aspiration, the dominance to be successful, positive attitude, an optimistic world view and egotism.

T: Meaning of T in the name Patasa means: T is a vertical strand crossed at the top by a horizontal strand. With the top strand balanced in the middle by the vertical strand, T shows balance and stability in its ways. It is also forgoing and spiritual. With the top strand projected up by the bottom strand, T is highly ambitious, but also kind to others as it can let others rest on its horizontal top. This makes T selfless, cooperative, womanly and dutiful. It also displays a high degree of generosity and liberalism.

S: Meaning of S in the name Patasa means: S is a single strand that goes forward and backwards. It shows a willingness to explore. Friendliness, perceptiveness and accommodating are all S qualities. The ends pointing forward and backwards shows a conflicting nature with itself and a degree of puzzlement.

Meaning of Patasa in Louisana language

I found my  name in the UK Creole dictionary online @ http://www.cs.uky.edu/~raphael/private/creole.html.  It states: Patasa n. is the generic name applied to several species of freshwater fish of the sunfish family. A long time ago people made court-bouiIlon with sunfish”. A fish broth made with water, white wine, spices and butter. There are at least eight species of sunfish in Louisiana, including the Bluegill, Scarlet Sunfish, Red-Breasted Bream, Round Sunfish, Green Sunfish, Longear Sunfish, Redear Sunfish and Big-mouthed perch; A Big-mouth perch is a bass that is larger than the others and it has a mouth about as wide as that of a perch.

In addition to those findings, In a book, edited by Albert Valdan and Kevin J. Rottet called “The Dictionary of Louisiana French: As Spoken in Cajun, Creole, and American Indian Communities” on page 446, reads… patassa [patasa] n.m Any of various freshwater fish of the sunfish family (e.g. bluegill, warmouth, crappie, bream) often locally called “perch” or “sun perch” (although not technically true perch).

Sterling A. Brown said in his book, “A Negro Looks at the South”, in the section titled ‘Return of the Native” on page 353 that Barbus Patasa, a kind of fish that seems to be a combination of brim or perch with catfish. The “barbus” refers to the “whisker-like” protrusions, as are found on the catfish. Some of those sunfish can be found at the beautiful, non-smoking, popular fishing location named Camp Patasa in Sabine Parish, Louisiana.

Several year ago, a taxi driver mentioned that my name meant sweet. But I never knew that sunfish shared my name or that it was part of the creole language. My name is unique yet popular and I am every bit of its definition. I can truly say that I am a strong, intelligent, honest woman, filled with integrity, loyalty, and I am a conscientious big mouth sweetheart.



The battle is not mine, it’s the people

Adding more drama to my life that is already filled with pain. Hear my Chicago Police Brutality story on CBS CHICAGO NEWS. My story aired last night at 10 pm. It is also featured online.

Have you noticed that all the major cases, mostly murders, involving blacks, happened around traffic and/or transportation. Well, that is exactly my case. Thank God it didn’t kill me.

Although I will be compensated for my pain and suffering, I am not happy. A price will never replace the damage that this has caused me. I am trying to push past this, but it is hard.

If these cops are never held responsible for their wrong doing, things will never change. I hope my case can make a difference. I want him fired! Please help me speak.



Time Lost is a Big Step

Everyone knows me. Yet, I vaguely know them. Some, I do remember and most I call my younger brother about. I honestly have a blockage. I truly do. I can’t seem to remember people, places or things in my life. Maybe it’s because we moved many times during my young age and I went to various schools. I know that I’ve suppressed many things and many years of my life. Maybe hypnosis or a shrink will help to reveal what I’ve lost. Maybe I’m not missing anything much but tragedy.

Sitting here on my sofa, at my laptop, with my eyes closed tight. I am trying to think back as far as I can. I want to remember. I want to know why I am who I am. I want to know Patasa. What I know so far about Patasa is that she is a loving, caring, and a giving person. However, she has this thing about her. Something bitchy, if i may say. She can be quite a pistol if you rub her the wrong way. Nonetheless, she is a very beautiful person.

What caused my blockage? I am not an expert in psychology but I do know that a mental blockage is an uncontrollable suppression, or repression of painful or unwanted thoughts/memories. Hell, I had many and plenty painful or unwanted thoughts/memories. Let’s name a few…

  1. Dad beating mom
  2. Getting bullied in grammar school
  3. Getting teased about my lips
  4. Being called “heavy handed man”
  5. Molested as a child
  6. Molested/Raped as a teen
  7. My Mother’s boyfriends/husbands
  8. My family
  9. My children
  10. My behavior towards men
  11. Deaths around me

This is it! This is what’s causing my blockage. To people, Patasa’s bitchiness comes out as Rage, as Angry or Bitter. All that I can say is, going through all of this created Patasa. This is quite a bit to break a bitch down; way down! This is where my perseverance and strength comes from. This is where my zero tolerance comes from. This may be why I don’t have many friends. This may be why I never married. OMG, I want to push over and beyond this, and when I do, watch me be who I was destined to be. For now, I do have a wish for those around me… Treat me with respect and love me for me.

Don’t call for my story, you will have the opportunity to read about it.

Yours Truly,







Peaceful Tasting

Masquerade, by George Benson, has been popping into my mind, out of no where, over the last few days. (So I pulled it up on Youtube). Maybe my mind is trying to find solace in this game we play? This mind of mine has been traveling down memory lane, recapturing my good and bad moments. While the sweet voice, beautiful lyrics and lovely tunes from the instruments played calms my soul, I can’t help but to wonder why we carry on this way.

I wonder what life phase this is that has my long term memories resurfacing? Maybe it’s time to deal with the things that has bothered me over the years. Maybe it’s time for closure. Maybe this is the stage before happiness. Yes, that’s it! I’m in ‘The Pursuit of Happiness”.  I want happiness so bad that I can taste it. Life does move in phases. When this thing called life is figured out, and our conscious mind is conscious, it makes it very hard to deal with the unconscious. They steal your your joy and instead of moving towards happiness, you drop in levels and you find yourself back in that unhappy space.

However, when the silence isn’t quiet, and it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe, and you feel like dying, RISE UP in spite of it all and be unafraid like Andra Day says. Keep searching because I will.


It has showed up and showed out. It has shown it’s face with thousands on thousands of smiles! It has given me a feel of freedom to be myself again.  It will take me to the levels of the unheard. It is a beautiful thing. It is something that all preyed should experience.

Before acting, place yourself in the other person’s shoes. You never know what one is going through, so “be humble, sit down” as Kendrick Lamar says. You just might learn a thing or two during your silence.

I love you Justice.



Breathless Resort and Spa

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Join Live What You Love Travel November 16 thru 20 of 2017

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Stop Daddy

She woke to scuffling sounds and muffled cries. When she walked out of her bedroom, she saw mommy being beaten by daddy. The young child didn’t know what to do. She sat there helplessly and cried. All she wanted was for daddy to stop. Stop daddy, stop daddy, she said to herself. Out of no where the little one had an idea. She ran to the phone and called her granny. She knew her granny’s number by heart. She had learned the number while attending Green Homes Daycare with Mrs. Moody, in Cabrini Green.

Mama, she cried. My daddy is beating my mommy, Come help her! Come help her! she screamed. Daddy beats mommy all the time. Make him stop she said. Stop daddy! Stop daddy! she shouted. Mama is coming mommy! Mama is coming to help you! Mama and Dad Dad, the little girls grandpa, came to save mommy. They brought the police to help. The police took daddy out of the home and the little girl hugged her mommy tight. She said to mommy, I don’t like daddy beating you. Mommy replied, I don’t like it either. If daddy hit mommy again, I want you to call the police and give them our address. They will come to help mommy. Okay said the little girl. I love you mommy. I love you too baby.

They left Cabrini Green when the little girl was 4 years old. They moved to a furnished hotel until mommy was financially able to moved to a 2 bedroom apartment. This was way better than the slippery, urine smelling hallways that Cabrini had to offer. Mommy thought moving away from Cabrini would give her children a better chance at life. Little did she know, that the damage was already done. Had she known about psychology and the effect that trauma had on children, she would have done things differently. Being uneducated was not the thing to be especially as a young mother. Nonetheless, she had learned quickly, but not until her second child was born.

Daddy had beat mommy again. This time mommy fought back. Mommy had grown tired to the bruises, black eyes and tearful children. Mommy couldn’t take the abuse from daddy any longer. Daddy backed mommy into the kitchen and as daddy punched and kicked at her, she grabbed hold to a vinegar bottle. Mommy swung repeatedly with closed eyes. She made contact. Unfortunately, she didn’t know where she had hit him. She knew it was in a serious place because daddy was bleeding profoundly. Daddy ran, dripping blood everywhere. Once he reached the bathroom, he gazed at himself in the mirror, only to see that his face had been split deeply. He screamed, Look what you did to my face. Mommy replied, I am tired of you beating me, I want a divorce. Mommy  then called 911 to get daddy some medical help. Daddy got 38 stitches and mommy got a divorce.

The little girl asked mommy why did daddy hit her all the time. Mommy said that daddy was sick. The little girl thought to herself about the night she had awaken to go to the toilet. When she pushed the door opened, she saw daddy sitting on the tub, resting his arm on the sink, with a really big rubber band tied on his arm. Daddy had a needle in his hand giving himself a shot. The little girl replied, Is that why I saw daddy in the bathroom giving himself his medicine. He didn’t have a bandage mommy because his blood was in the sink.

Mommy fell silent. All that she could do was look at her little girl with tears in her eyes. The poor little girl had witnessed much. Yet she was just 5 years old.


Growing Pains

For years this form of abuse had been going on. It had corrupted the children and the children’s children, as well as their children. She had crawled from the pit of hell many times before only to be pulled back into it. I can not escape,…yes I can,..if only they would let me she cried. As a child she had to tolerate the nagging voices in her ears. None of encouragement, none of motivation, only bitterness, envy, jealousy, and hate. How can one look in the mirror daily when they are unsure of who they are?

Growing up, she didn’t realize the beauty bestowed upon her. Her full lips made her very uncomfortable because she was teased about them daily. Her long shapely legs, straight posture, yellow skin, thick hair, and a butt that women would pay for, was not beauty to her. If only she had known who she was. No one told her how beautiful she was. No one told her how to keep her beautiful body. No one showed her how to love herself.

Her dad left her at the age of 4. Her mother was there, but not really there. The connection between the two vanished when she was 15 years old. At that young age, a girl need her mother. However, her mother’s parents were there. Granddad taught her the politics and granny taught her the economics. She also learned a thing or two from her girlfriend’s mothers. When she put all that she had learned together as a young adult, she ran the best household ever.

Two children, never married, although she had been asked a couple of times. No one seemed amazing enough. She knew what she was looking for and never found it. Maybe she missed out on something great because she was looking for something amazing. Maybe Mr. Amazing hasn’t surfaced yet. Nonetheless, celibacy was in full effect.

As this young adult grew older, while raising her children, the relationship with her mother was like that of two high school rivalries. They never saw eye to eye. The mother would patronize her daughter, talked bad about her to her own siblings and never gave credit where credit was due. Her mother never helped her when she needed her the most.

When the growing adult was with her second child, she experienced abruptio placentae, and nearly died. She was disoriented for 3 days and had been given 5 pints of blood. When the young lady woke from her long sleep, she looked around for her mother. Mother was not there. As a matter of fact, mother never came. She did send flowers that were tossed in the garbage. At that moment, the young lady knew in her heart that her relationship with her mother would never be. Of course she would be as cordial as she could be, to the best of her ability.

Time passed and the grown woman started loosing her backbones. She lost her granddad, she then lost her granny, 3 months later she lost her boyfriend and one month after that she lost her dad. She and her dad rekindled their relationship 6 years prior to his death. He made up for the 30 years he had been in and out of prison, and she loved him very much for that. The grown woman had lost everyone that she could count on within 6 month time span. These deaths had weaken her mind, body and soul. She was now all alone. She had lost her entire family on her father’s side to heart disease. She had no one to lean on, no one to talk to, absolutely no one.

Her mother’s siblings were still around. Nothing changed but their size and ages. Their pettiness was way over the top and beyond. All the bickering and fighting between the sisters and their one brother spilled onto their children. Dysfunction at it’s best with no room for growth. She tried dealing with them over the years but things were getting bad. This is where the madness began, where it originated she said to herself. None of them wanted to take the blame, but loved to point their fingers. No one had respect for one another, they loved crossing boundaries and they loved playing with fire.

The grown woman reached the age of 42 and was diagnosed with CAD. She inherited the disease that had cursed her dad and his family. Battling that disease had been tough for her. She finally gained control of it and decided to beat the disease. She did not want to die young because her children needed her. There were a few things she had to do to stay on top of the illness and being stress free was one of them. Being stress free meant staying away from those who caused her stress. Unfortunately, that was her existing family. She preferred to be alone, with peace at mind, than to die for those who don’t truly love her.

Now when one look in the mirror, she knows who she is, and she love her unconditionally.