Growing Pains

For years this form of abuse had been going on. It had corrupted the children and the children’s children, as well as their children. She had crawled from the pit of hell many times before only to be pulled back into it. I can not escape,…yes I can,..if only they would let me she cried. As a child she had to tolerate the nagging voices in her ears. None of encouragement, none of motivation, only bitterness, envy, jealousy, and hate. How can one look in the mirror daily when they are unsure of who they are?

Growing up, she didn’t realize the beauty bestowed upon her. Her full lips made her very uncomfortable because she was teased about them daily. Her long shapely legs, straight posture, yellow skin, thick hair, and a butt that women would pay for, was not beauty to her. If only she had known who she was. No one told her how beautiful she was. No one told her how to keep her beautiful body. No one showed her how to love herself.

Her dad left her at the age of 4. Her mother was there, but not really there. The connection between the two vanished when she was 15 years old. At that young age, a girl need her mother. However, her mother’s parents were there. Granddad taught her the politics and granny taught her the economics. She also learned a thing or two from her girlfriend’s mothers. When she put all that she had learned together as a young adult, she ran the best household ever.

Two children, never married, although she had been asked a couple of times. No one seemed amazing enough. She knew what she was looking for and never found it. Maybe she missed out on something great because she was looking for something amazing. Maybe Mr. Amazing hasn’t surfaced yet. Nonetheless, celibacy was in full effect.

As this young adult grew older, while raising her children, the relationship with her mother was like that of two high school rivalries. They never saw eye to eye. The mother would patronize her daughter, talked bad about her to her own siblings and never gave credit where credit was due. Her mother never helped her when she needed her the most.

When the growing adult was with her second child, she experienced abruptio placentae, and nearly died. She was disoriented for 3 days and had been given 5 pints of blood. When the young lady woke from her long sleep, she looked around for her mother. Mother was not there. As a matter of fact, mother never came. She did send flowers that were tossed in the garbage. At that moment, the young lady knew in her heart that her relationship with her mother would never be. Of course she would be as cordial as she could be, to the best of her ability.

Time passed and the grown woman started loosing her backbones. She lost her granddad, she then lost her granny, 3 months later she lost her boyfriend and one month after that she lost her dad. She and her dad rekindled their relationship 6 years prior to his death. He made up for the 30 years he had been in and out of prison, and she loved him very much for that. The grown woman had lost everyone that she could count on within 6 month time span. These deaths had weaken her mind, body and soul. She was now all alone. She had lost her entire family on her father’s side to heart disease. She had no one to lean on, no one to talk to, absolutely no one.

Her mother’s siblings were still around. Nothing changed but their size and ages. Their pettiness was way over the top and beyond. All the bickering and fighting between the sisters and their one brother spilled onto their children. Dysfunction at it’s best with no room for growth. She tried dealing with them over the years but things were getting bad. This is where the madness began, where it originated she said to herself. None of them wanted to take the blame, but loved to point their fingers. No one had respect for one another, they loved crossing boundaries and they loved playing with fire.

The grown woman reached the age of 42 and was diagnosed with CAD. She inherited the disease that had cursed her dad and his family. Battling that disease had been tough for her. She finally gained control of it and decided to beat the disease. She did not want to die young because her children needed her. There were a few things she had to do to stay on top of the illness and being stress free was one of them. Being stress free meant staying away from those who caused her stress. Unfortunately, that was her existing family. She preferred to be alone, with peace at mind, than to die for those who don’t truly love her.

Now when one look in the mirror, she knows who she is, and she love her unconditionally.



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