Everyone knows me. Yet, I vaguely know them. Some, I do remember and most I call my younger brother about. I honestly have a blockage. I truly do. I can’t seem to remember people, places or things in my life. Maybe it’s because we moved many times during my young age and I went to various schools. I know that I’ve suppressed many things and many years of my life. Maybe hypnosis or a shrink will help to reveal what I’ve lost. Maybe I’m not missing anything much but tragedy.
Sitting here on my sofa, at my laptop, with my eyes closed tight. I am trying to think back as far as I can. I want to remember. I want to know why I am who I am. I want to know Patasa. What I know so far about Patasa is that she is a loving, caring, and a giving person. However, she has this thing about her. Something bitchy, if i may say. She can be quite a pistol if you rub her the wrong way. Nonetheless, she is a very beautiful person.
What caused my blockage? I am not an expert in psychology but I do know that a mental blockage is an uncontrollable suppression, or repression of painful or unwanted thoughts/memories. Hell, I had many and plenty painful or unwanted thoughts/memories. Let’s name a few…
- Dad beating mom
- Getting bullied in grammar school
- Getting teased about my lips
- Being called “heavy handed man”
- Molested as a child
- Molested/Raped as a teen
- My Mother’s boyfriends/husbands
- My family
- My children
- My behavior towards men
- Deaths around me
This is it! This is what’s causing my blockage. To people, Patasa’s bitchiness comes out as Rage, as Angry or Bitter. All that I can say is, going through all of this created Patasa. This is quite a bit to break a bitch down; way down! This is where my perseverance and strength comes from. This is where my zero tolerance comes from. This may be why I don’t have many friends. This may be why I never married. OMG, I want to push over and beyond this, and when I do, watch me be who I was destined to be. For now, I do have a wish for those around me… Treat me with respect and love me for me.
Don’t call for my story, you will have the opportunity to read about it.